shaking ghosts// lifelust
i.
she not busy being reborn
is busy redying
each me
I used
to be
is dead.
emotionally
inaccessible
buried
under
so many
layers
impenetrable
each me
slayed
of my
own
hand
now
I'm
constantly
shaking
ghosts.
ii.
how do I
unearth
the selves
expired
when I
am the
only one
with the
knowledge
required?
if happiness
is living
passionless,
embodying
emptiness,
why
still
must I
come
to life?
iii.
Listen to me.
listen listen Listen LISTEN
LISTEN TO ME!
I WANT
TO OCCUPY
SPACE.
I am eternally contained
lid sprung open gasping
lungfuls of fresh air
and longing
LONGING
to disperse
to fill
to command
to demand
SPACE.
LISTEN
TO ME!
iv.
Now where to begin?
I want an endless array of books stacked to the ceiling in shelves that tower over me. I want photographs in frames and out, collages and findings, awards on the walls. I want a very real presence of energy and artistic freedom. I WANT TO TAKE UP SPACE. I want the contents of my brain and heart and soul and self everywhere, easily accessible and primed for exploration. I want to capture that bit of magnetism in my eyes and with it build an exposé. I want to find the ones that I wish to invite inside this space I call my being. I want to learn, to dream, to cook, to grow, to emit passion and elicit engagement. I want color. I want music. I want to dance to twirl to spin to jump to leap to LET GO always effortlessly and with enthusiasm. I want vigor, fire, intensity. I want skin on my fingertips, adrenaline in my lungs. I want sexuality that isn’t insistent. I want attraction that could only be action. I want adventure. I want to wander my way around the world with the one who feels like home. I want to push my body beyond its limits, bask in that delicious strain. I want emotions like shockwaves that shake me to the core. I want unending intrigue, a thirst unquenchable. I want eye contact that pierces, deliberate and unflinching. I want rapt attention, an audience of all ears. I want to bend sound, manipulate rhythm into the perfect story. I want words and poignant pauses, conversations vast as constellations. I want dusk eternal, stillness like a bated breath. I WANT TO WANT.
Now where to begin.